He felt disgusted with himself.
Suppressed self-loathing and revulsion at what he’s done came rushing in like a new synthetic drug. Quickly overwhelmed by shame and guilt he looked around searching for something desperately. It wasn’t an object or a person. It was a futile search for mercy and acquittal. They were not to be granted, not tonight. He was the only one who could forgive himself and move on. But in his eyes he didn’t deserve that.
An impasse.
He didn't mean any of this to happen. He got lost in a moment. Judgement became clouded and selfishness came to the fore. Words were spoken and the damage was done. Only after taking time to settle down his emotions he realized what happened.
It wasn’t the first time. Carbon copies of such situations happen time and again and are sewn into his life like a thread in a faulty carpet. He’s done it again. He promised it won’t be repeated but as usual the promise was broken. It further drove his disappointment with himself and added another layer of suffering. It was torture.
He blamed himself. Rightly so. The shameful acts he committed loomed over everything else. Their presence lurked in shadows of his mind and hid behind thoughts and ideas. It hampered his every move like a rusty iron chain wrapped around an abandoned dog's neck.
Going back and revising events which led to those unfortunate predicaments is often his undoing. He claims he tries to learn from past mistakes and wants to improve. But there is no solace to be found in going again through this knowledge and experience. There is nothing to be gained. Not anymore. Pain and torment are the only things left.
The sole remaining way to heal the mind is to forget. It takes time. Sometimes more. Sometimes less. Always too much. Remembering is often a lot easier than letting go of unwanted memories. That’s one of the very few things he’s learned.
He never forgets completely. A reflection of his conscience haunts him at night from time to time like a ghost carrying regret and remorse in its cold, transparent hands. He shoos it away with a burning candle. Clinging to its warmth and light helps him fight his demons and survive in the darkness.
Perhaps someday he can be free from all this. He wants to and needs to. For everyone's sake. Unexplained force that drives him to commit shameful acts might evaporate. He wakes up every morning with hope that through hard work and honest dedication he can better himself and get rid of his unwanted traits. Good days that now merely jump across his life's calendar may completely overtake it. He has to believe that. There can be no punishment when there is no offence.
Above all else, he hopes the patience of person he loves won't run out before that happens...
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