Is that your final guess?

'Thought you'd never ask,' murmured Jim from under his red full cap with a little flashy round logo sewn onto it. A glimmer of madness sparked in his eye as he raised his eyebrows and tilted his face pugnaciously towards T. 

'Well, I am asking. What you've done seems like a very odd thing to do. I'm just puzzled,' explained T, simultaneously scratching his flashy round head and eating a mat square apple. Or was it the other way around? 'And as far as puzzle go, I'm just trying to put the pieces together,' continued T, as he was trying to put the pieces together. 

'Hah!' Jim snorted. He was clearly entertained by the whole conundrum. 'This is entertaining. Tell you what, T. Let's play a game. I'm gonna call it... "Guess"', he proposed as a fiendish grin appeared firmly planted on his face like a nice green plant. 'And guess what: you're gonna have to guess.'

'Oh man. Not this shit again.' T knew what was coming. 'I guess I'm gonna have to guess,' he sighed with a resignation in his voice so heavy, it made a bird fall onto the ground as it reached the flying creature's well hidden ears. The bird dusted off its feathers and looked angrily at the two men. It seemed to weigh the pros and cons and the problems and consequences it would face after killing two people and it ultimately decided against it, then flew away.

'Okay, dude. Let's do this!' Attentive observers would have sworn they saw droplets of saliva jumping for life out of Jim's filthy, excited mouth. 'Welcome to our show! Tonight's contestant number one is almighty T! Hello, T! PLEASE STEP INTO THE GUESS ROOM!' shouted Jim with pride booming in his voice, echoing through canyons and any geographical terrain features with similar characteristics. The atmosphere bounced the sound back towards the planet as it was ashamed of letting this abomination venture into the outer space.

'Alright, Jim, I know the drill.' T was anxious to get the whole ceremony over with as soon as possible. 'I worked on an oil refinery for 3 goddamn years. Let's get this whole ceremony over with as soon as possible.' 

'This is the first and last question,' said Jim, building up the tension and excitement. In his own head. 'Are you ready?'

'Yeah.'

'Why???' asked Jim, and everyone around them stood in silent expectation. Well, everyone certainly would have if they were there instead of not being there.

'Let's think,' said T, thinking, 'Maybe because you're a fucking lunatic? An absolute asshole of the highest proportions? A humongous prick?' T's answer was well thought out. He didn't leave a stone unturned during the journey to his mental palace.  

'Never took you for much of a Mad Max 2 fan,' said Jim playfully, and quickly retreated to his role of a game show host. 'Are you sure? One hundred percent? Are those your final answers?'

'Yes,' responded T patiently, knowing there is no other way around it than to play along. 'Those are my final answers.'

Jim paused for a second. He could have sworn he could testify via Spotify before a grand jury that he could hear a sound of a beating heart with volume turned up a couple of notches for dramatic purposes. 'Well, T... I know it's been a dramatic show so far. I know you had to dig deep like a miner and you had to journey into the depths of your essence, you had to take a step inside your soul... Sole. Get it? Hah, hah!' said Jim with all the unhealthy arousal of an electrocuted hamster and all the dignity of an undignified but certified bastard.

'No, you get TO it. I'm tired and I need to know why you did it.' argued T, with a sense of anxiety and tiredness. 

'Well, ladies and gentlemen, the correct answers are...' paused Jim to, supposedly, become even more annoying, 'We'll let you know after a quick commercial break. Stay with us!'

'No,' T's face turned both purple and 360 degrees around it's axis. 'This shit won't do. WHY THE HELL DID YOU STEP ON MY CAT, YOU DICKHEAD?'

NOIR. 5. Farewell To The Former World

This is a series concering the Blue Sky Black Death's music album NOIR.
It ties in with the happiest moments of my life as it was there to witness them.
I would like to help you see the images I see whenever I hear the songs.
Some of them feel very real, some of them are more abstract.

"The Escape"

He knew he didn’t have much time left. He knew he had to hurry. Everything and everyone around him have already said their goodbyes and farewells and those who haven’t were no longer to be granted such an opportunity. He looked up in awe and if he hadn’t had to worry about his life being in mortal danger he would have certainly taken the time to marvel at the sheer beauty of the brutal events occurring in every direction possible. There was something extraordinary about it; an overwhelming feeling of superiority and inevitability. Every attempt, even a thought of an attempt of escaping or avoiding what was to come seemed doomed from the beginning and effortlessly created a staggering impression of futility.

There was a singing poetry to all this, ringing hollowly across acres of space, its dynamic sounds filled with immense vivacity were throwing themselves around while following their chaotic trajectories ultimately echoing throughout the atmosphere. A relentless cacophony of sounds was heard everywhere and nowhere. It was driving people of weaker minds mad to the point where they couldn’t tell what was real and what was just a figment of imagination. Reality eluded them with a devilish grin on its face. Would they have ever recovered from such a condemned state? If only there was time to find out…

As he continued to march briskly having found a sudden spring in his step he noticed something that pierced right through his mind. A gaping chasm has opened in the middle of the soon to be fallen city giving birth to a menacing vortex that quickly began to lay waste to its immediate surroundings. It seemed to devour everything within its grasp. Objects formerly grounded and bound by laws of gravity unwillingly started to defy their former masters. As he stood there stupefied he could have sworn he felt layers of unseen energy gathering around him, following the commands of the gigantic force that was consuming everything. He realized if there was ever a good moment to run, it was now.

He was sprinting past countless buildings all condensed into a set of continuous and undistinguishable grey walls. He felt dizzy and was gasping for breath but he knew he couldn’t stop. Everything was blurred. Every line, every corner, every shape or figure. Nothing seemed to be real anymore. It all looked as if it was warping from one dimension to another, lost and undecided where or whether to anchor or not. He could feel the enormous struggle his dying world had to endure. For how much longer will it hold on, clinging desperately to its last remnants of balance…? What will happen when it loses its ever weakening grip? Will everything just cease to exist or will it prevail in some kind of twisted and distorted basin of scorched earth and slow, agonizing death?

As he reached the end of the line of devastated buildings and structures he turned around to take a final look at his ravaged city he not long ago called his home. It was both a tremendous and terrifying sight. Beacons of light have appeared out of nowhere, consuming the burning heart of the city with no remorse. A massive cloud of smoke and anguish hovered over everything like a predator ready to pounce on its victim, sometimes spewing lightning and raining what seemed to be boiling lava… He knew if he was to survive all this there would be nothing for him back here. Nothing to come back to…

As he was about to disappear into the forest, he was struck by a white flash and an explosion that sent him flying through the bushes. Slowly picking himself up he had no idea what caused it. He found himself engulfed in a bright and flickering mist and noticed everything around him became silent and tranquil. An overwhelming sense of lightness and emptiness took control over his mind. He began to crawl desperately through mud and dirt, slowly beginning to feel an indescribable sense of calm and peace instead of dread and despair. It was as if his body was losing its density, particles he was made of bidding farewell to each other and going their separate ways. He realized he was about to gradually fade out and evaporate from the face of the earth. In his final moments he looked at his hands and right through them he could see tormented ground on the verge of falling apart… Seconds later everything ceased to be and he saw nothing and felt nothing… 


______________
Previous entries:

1. Our Hearts Of Ruin. "The Hill"

2. Sleeping Children Are Still Flying. "The Glow"

3. And Stars, Ringed. "The Seeds"

4. To The Ends Of The World. "To Dream"

NOIR. 4. To The Ends Of The Earth

This is a series concering the Blue Sky Black Death's music album NOIR.
It ties in with the happiest moments of my life as it was there to witness them.
I would like to help you see the images I see whenever I hear the songs.
Some of them feel very real, some of them are more abstract.

"To Dream"

To dream is to change my whereabouts. To use my mind is to create a safe passage over an endless chasm. To close my eyes is to open the gates to another world. To enshroud my surroundings in darkness is to light up another room.

It is to cross a bridge. It is to enter a portal. It is to walk through a door.

It only takes a simple step. A step forward.

To fully appreciate my own world I have to create different ones in my mind. One of the many uses of imagination is to learn and experience things we would never be able to find here. It enhances us in a way through mere acts of witnessing or participation. It helps us know more. It lets us understand many things clearer. Imagination, knowledge, experience and understanding are the four primary values I hold especially dear. Their absence would be devastating. Imagining alternate realities and visiting them is an experience in itself which grants me knowledge unattainable to others—at least my version of it—and allows me to understand what I’m faced with during the time spent in a fully conscious state. So I create worlds and I explore them.

I do it in my dreams.

They are not dreams by dictionary definitions. But how else would I call the state I’m in during blissful moments of drifting away? How would I call all the places, people and events I witness after closing my eyes and letting go of reality while still retaining a hint of consciousness? I’m well aware they aren’t *real* yet I lose myself in them wholly and willingly. How would you call them?

I’ve been to many places. I’ve met many people. I’ve seen many things take place. Perhaps more than I did in the so-called real life. Dreaming doesn’t cost a dime. I don’t have to move anywhere. I don’t have to book a ticket in advance only to have to reschedule last minute because my flight has been canceled. I can leap between places far removed from each other in an instant. I can jump between time and see and analyze situations from changing perspectives. I can meet people or... beings my mind created and breathed life into. I can witness abstract and magical events that I couldn't even begin to explain to someone who wasn't there by my side. I can experience and learn and understand. I can evolve.

I can create entire civilizations and mix and match them with various distinctive realities. I don’t have to write a book or make a movie to see things at their face value. I don't have to have words staring at me suggestively or have images thrown at my face relentlessly. I just have to be there and pay close attention. I just have to embrace the nature of dreaming and imagining and revel in it. I have to— I want to—take from it as much as I have given it. And I have given it everything I had. I propelled it and helped it go on its own way and in return it showed me what lies beyond my sight. It's extremely rare to strike a perfect balance. Yet here it is. I'm grateful.

I can do anything. I can be anyone, anywhere. I’m free to go and do as I please. It feels liberating. It feels right. It’s worth taking the step.

_______________
Previous entries:
1. Our Hearts Of Ruin. "The Hill"
2. Sleeping Children Are Still Flying. "The Glow"
3. And Stars, Ringed. "The Seeds"

The cause and effect of pain

He felt disgusted with himself.

Suppressed self-loathing and revulsion at what he’s done came rushing in like a new synthetic drug. Quickly overwhelmed by shame and guilt he looked around searching for something desperately. It wasn’t an object or a person. It was a futile search for mercy and acquittal. They were not to be granted, not tonight. He was the only one who could forgive himself and move on. But in his eyes he didn’t deserve that.

An impasse.

He didn't mean any of this to happen. He got lost in a moment. Judgement became clouded and selfishness came to the fore. Words were spoken and the damage was done. Only after taking time to settle down his emotions he realized what happened.

It wasn’t the first time. Carbon copies of such situations happen time and again and are sewn into his life like a thread in a faulty carpet. He’s done it again. He promised it won’t be repeated but as usual the promise was broken. It further drove his disappointment with himself and added another layer of suffering. It was torture.

He blamed himself. Rightly so. The shameful acts he committed loomed over everything else. Their presence lurked in shadows of his mind and hid behind thoughts and ideas. It hampered his every move like a rusty iron chain wrapped around an abandoned dog's neck.

Going back and revising events which led to those unfortunate predicaments is often his undoing. He claims he tries to learn from past mistakes and wants to improve. But there is no solace to be found in going again through this knowledge and experience. There is nothing to be gained. Not anymore. Pain and torment are the only things left.

The sole remaining way to heal the mind is to forget. It takes time. Sometimes more. Sometimes less. Always too much. Remembering is often a lot easier than letting go of unwanted memories. That’s one of the very few things he’s learned.

He never forgets completely. A reflection of his conscience haunts him at night from time to time like a ghost carrying regret and remorse in its cold, transparent hands. He shoos it away with a burning candle. Clinging to its warmth and light helps him fight his demons and survive in the darkness.

Perhaps someday he can be free from all this. He wants to and needs to. For everyone's sake. Unexplained force that drives him to commit shameful acts might evaporate. He wakes up every morning with hope that through hard work and honest dedication he can better himself and get rid of his unwanted traits. Good days that now merely jump across his life's calendar may completely overtake it. He has to believe that. There can be no punishment when there is no offence.

Above all else, he hopes the patience of person he loves won't run out before that happens...

He left a note...

Dear Mr. Executive Director of Administration Management Office,

I hereby resign as the Head of the Department of Contentment Development.

I arrived at this decision on a cold Saturday morning with great regret in my heart after several minutes of careful consideration.

There are many reasons (at least 5) for me to hand in my resignation, and even though this is not Christmas, I will present them to you.

I realize we both started our working relationship on a wrong foot and often took steps we later wished we had not taken.

We all know working in the private sector can be very demanding and exhausting and I certainly feel tired even know as I write this letter while lying on a sofa.

It is known we work in a vicious industry where people elbow each other to gain an advantage over someone else’s disadvantage.

I myself have a nose (some say a 'big' one, for the sake of adjectivization) for that kind of thing.

I have looked at it and seen it with my own eyes what it can do to people.

I went knees deep, even though they are very bad, into the relentless fight that was required to dominate the market.

Even then, I sometimes felt I was being held by the ankles by the Board of Directors which certainly hampered my efforts on many separate occasions.

I often begged them to throw me a bone and tell me what is it that they want of me in some particular situations and cases.

I dedicated myself to this Company as I stood shoulder to shoulder with fellow employees during difficult periods… of recession.

I helped this Company rise and flex its financial muscles that lifted us to the top.

I was armed with knowledge, expertise and experience as I ventured into countless wars and bled, figuratively speaking, for our Company's benefit.

I was the brains behind many of our strategic and successful operations and strategies.

I busted my lungs on more than one occasion especially as there was air of pessimism surrounding our Company in its darkest and chilliest days.

I hope everyone can attest I was always standing on my toes, every time displaying vigilance and alertness to everything that was going on everywhere.

I stuck my neck out many times to battle bad situations for the good of the Company.

But with my excellent qualifications I was sincerely disappointed with the amount of leg work I have been assigned that seemed to stretch into eternity.

Moreover, there were certain ongoing things going on behind the scenes that I did not like and when I approached you about them, you did not even lift a finger.

Of course I do not deny I have made mistakes; I admit that openly and I also beat my chest but not very vigorously as not to suggest I am into that kind of thing.  

I unfortunately regret having to work with people who did not know how to keep their lips shut and ran to your office to place complaints about my methods.

Especially the memory of my altercation with Dick which ended in a dirty scrap is still something I remember.

I have also spent plenty of time pulling my hair out trying to figure out how our Company could have fallen so far away from its values and principles and steered into the deceptive territory of moral bankruptcy.

As a final straw, I have heard whispers being promoted among my employees about me being earmarked for demotion.

I am not one to name any names but it seems loyalty turned out to be my Achilles heel.

It did not sit well with me at all, so I decided to stand up for myself and not lie down before the inevitable, but at the same time I have enough decency to not resort to mouthing off.

I am no longer turning the other cheek to see how hard it’s going to be slapped; as I explicitly stated earlier I am not into that kind of thing.

I am finally done with putting my body on the line only to be persecuted by unjust judgement made by an inadequate jury.

Now the ball is firmly in your court and I expect you to return the courtesy of setting your personal opinions aside and accepting my resignation without hesitation.

My decision is final and there is no possibility of me ever coming back and I hope you understand that as soon as possible.

With regards,

Do not mind me,

Your mind

PS. Kiss my white ass, you asshole.